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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.