[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
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“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.