If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
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My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
🤭😂
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.