My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I am yelling
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda