when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
You Might Also Like
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this