Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
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I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
don’t we all
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.