A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.