Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me: