Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway