Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
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A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
bury ourselves
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency