“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
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Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit