Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
welp
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Meat Cute