Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
#dalle2
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’