Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
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“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser