If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.