Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
My life in a nutshell
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something