Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
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So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Europe. Made in Germany.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
forgive me baja for i have blast
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.