Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
You Might Also Like
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit