My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Breaking news:
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I thought this was funny lol
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.