Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me driving through Toronto
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.