The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
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We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?