Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
You Might Also Like
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
This is a true ally.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.