Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
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There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Unimpressed
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you