Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
You Might Also Like
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
every. time.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I’m literally crying
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great