Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
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Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him