Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
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them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
The future is now.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.