Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
You Might Also Like
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.