me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Barbie gone wild
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
😍😂🥰😂😍
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.