TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
What an awful time to have common sense.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae