I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink