Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
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My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
2 years later
Mmmm canned fish.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.