If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.