Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
You Might Also Like
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
They got a point!
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.