judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
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Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I gave up going to work for lent.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”