I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
How much for the goth pool noodles?
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”