oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
every college guy’s fridge
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged