Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I’m listening
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.