me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
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[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Where’s my employee discount too?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
If a snake ate a cake
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.