Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
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Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.