Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Message from the dog groomers
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.