you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.