Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Doggies just call it style.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea