You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
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Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.