Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Straight people are cancelled
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
courtroom exchange of the day
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….