don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
You Might Also Like
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
The funk soul brother
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
#SCOTUS one-star review
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on