landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle