In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I am a gravy boat captain
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
🤣🤣
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge