I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
New comic up. “Ransom”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.