I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
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Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?