As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
my dad has had enough
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
You’re the water to my grease fire.